If there was one thing in life that I was always sure of, it was that I wanted to be a mother. I never dreamt of the perfect wedding or the ideal husband. I just always thought of how I would want to raise my own child in a world that is everchanging. Like most, I thought about how to make sure that they would grow up to have big hearts, to be generous with their love and time and to make sure that they were good humans. Something that the world needs more of.
I guess I wasn't taught much about pregnancy and what it actually entails. I didn't know that it took WEEKS before a positive test would show. I thought it happened overnight. I didn't know that pregnancy tests were incredibly expensive either as I bought many tests and took them FAR too early. I didn't know about ovulating and picking the right day to conceive. I just knew that I wanted a child. And I ceratinly never knew that miscarraiges...were common.
I wish I knew the dates of each pregnancy but I feel after your first loss, you either cling on to the dates or you simply let them disappear out of your memory. I let the dates disappear. Days before we found out we were pregnant for the first time, I recall being incredibly depressed. Something was just...off. I remember being on the verge of suicide and had no idea why that was. Thank goodness for on call counselors who helped me navigate my hormones at the time. Even when I got home after those calls for help, I was a mess. Tears everywhere and they just wouldn't stop flowing. I had NO clue what was happening or why I was feeling so incredibly low.
A few days later, I took a pregnancy test on a whim and low and behold, it showed a positive result. I remember calling my best friend at the time and sharing the news with her immediately. My husband wasn't home from work yet so I frantically tried to find a clever way of telling him. I literally RAN down to the convience store (to find buns to put into the oven) and while running, the gym I worked out at noticed and stopped me. Needlesst to say, the gyms staff was the second group of people to know. I was simply excited but also very overwhelmed.
I never found the buns but I walked back into our tiny apartment and my husband was there, getting out of his work clothes. I told him that when he was done, I needed to talk to him. And then, I told him. It wasn't like out of the movies where you cry and embrace. It was more like an "OH CRAP...this actually worked" type of conversation. We were so excited! So incredibly excited but just shocked and found it hard to find words to say to each other.
We went camping shortly after finding out about being pregant and I just recall being SO in love with my husband. So, incredilby, honestly in love with him. We had a wonderful weekend on Orcas Island, camping, hiking, watching the sunsets together. It was pure magic. I will NEVER forget how I felt and how I was SO in love with this kid that I was going to have one day. I thought everyone was looking at me with admiration. They just had to know I was pregnant. I was glowing from the inside out.
We came back and I had a job interview lined up so I went and bought some new clothes for the interview. When I came home, I went to the bathroom and thats when I knew something was wrong. There was blood. It didn't take more than one second for me to know what was happening. I text my husband (while still on the toilet) and told him I thought I had had a miscarriage and he responded with so much hope. I told him I needed to tell my mom and he agreed. I told my mom and I just remember sobbing. I was so distraught. This is something that I wanted, that WE wanted, for so long and just never believed that it could happen. And in the blink of an eye, it was over. My baby was gone.
When I went into the "nurses appointment" (prior to our loss), they gave me this BIG binder of information and in it, it included a phone number to call if things didn't seem right. I called and they told me to come in immediately, which I did. I went alone. The waiting room was unbearable. All of the expecting mamas with their big bellies and glowing smiles filled the chairs while I found a chair in the corner and just cried uncontrolably. I was so embarassed.
They had my first ultrasound (I wasn't far enough along to have an ultrasound but had one lined up for the coming weeks), found nothing but of course, the doctors let me walk out of the door with some glimmer of hope that it could all be fine. But I knew in my heart what had happened. And the lab results that followed confirmed that I was right.
We had lost our first baby.
I don't think I need to get into feelings because if you have lost a pregnancy, you understand the heartbreak that comes along with. Please know that you are not alone and are NEVER alone when processing those feelings. And however you grieve is how you grieve. Don't let anyone tell you to hurry up and get over it. Feel those feelings. That was your baby.
Immediately after losing our first baby, we found out I was pregnant again and this time, it didn't really feel...good. I didn't feel attached or in love. I was annoyed. I was mad. I wasn't ready whatsoever. It didn't take too long before this pregnancy turned south as well.
This was back when they brought you in super quick for labs to confirm pregnancies. I did all of those labs but the numbers weren't doubling like they should have been. I had an ultrasound and it showed that my body thought I was pregnant but wasn't growing a fetus in the sac that had formed. After every other day lab draws and vaginal ultrasounds every other week, they confirmed that the pregnancy was non-viable because my body wasn't growing a human.
We had "lost" our second pregnancy.
I had the choice of an at home process to end the pregnancy (pills) or I could have a D&C. I chose a D&C at the hospital while under sedation because I wanted to be knocked out and I also didn't want this to interfere with my work as a photographer. Yes, I put my work/clients before anything else and that's a hard pill to swallow thinking back on it. I was roughly 10 weeks along when I had the procedure and even though my body wasn't growing a child, it was still giving me pregnancy sympotoms and I hated it. I was hungry but couldnt eat. My boobs were SO incredibly tender and sore. I was tired. I was a different human and I just wanted to feel like myself again.
While I know I could have ended the pregnancy at home or in a doctors office, I stand by my choice to "pay extra" and have it done at a hospital. I had been through the ringer and I was just exhausted. I remember waking up after the procedure and just feeling so, so good. Of course, my heart hurt but there wasn't a baby growing inside of me so that helped. But I remember waking up and the first thing I remember saying was that I felt normal again. I was hungry, I wanted all of the foods I couldn't stomach eating before, I felt energized, I wanted to workout again...I just felt like myself for the first time in months.
My third pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy and honestly, by this time, I just didn't care. I'm being so transparent but I think that after this many losses (and a lot of battles with doctors in between...which I left those details out but am always willing to share...Kaiser SUCKS), you just lose hope and expect the worst. You never truly believe that you can grow a human after losing a pregnancy. And that's just what this third baby was. Nothing more than a week of being pregnant with some hope sprinkled in...and then not.
Throughout this entire process, the one thing that I have always searched for was hope. And maybe some answers though I don't believe I will ever get those. I believe that honoring YOUR baby will give many people hope and comfort in their own journey. Some people don't ever talk about what they have gone through. And then there are people like me who want to tell anyone who will listen. Hopefully sharing your story will help those who are quietly mourning and those who feel like they need to be heard.
Thank you for sharing your journey with me, for trusting me with your little human and for giving the gift of hope to so many people who need it. You are so loved just for simply participating in this and I appreciate you more than you'll ever, truly know.