Living perfectly in an imperfect society.

In today’s world with people rushing about for every reason – and some for no reason at all, it is easy to find yourself becoming angry at many small and insignificant things. Let’s say you are running late to get somewhere and you jump in your vehicle and start speeding down the street, only to be met by a stoplight at every street corner. Or you end up behind a person who is on their cell phone talking and texting, going 15 miles slower than the speed limit allows. Things will set themselves up to oppose you but you have to learn to deal with the situation at hand and react calmly and rationally.

Sometimes you cannot change the situation you find yourself in, but you can change how you respond to them.

Think about this for a moment… what does getting angry really benefit you? Look at the first situation we just mentioned about running late and being met by stop lights. You get angry and you start to curse or hit the steering wheel. Did that make the light turn green? Did it get you to your destination any faster? You are tempted to run the red light. Some do. And as soon as you run the red light, you see a flashing pair of red and blue lights behind you, with a voice on a loudspeaker saying to pull over. So, what did that solve?

You have just now added more stress to your situation. Tickets, going to court, taking defensive driving courses and on top of that, now you are really late to where you had to go. It is like a snowball effect where one thing leads to another and another, and escalates into something it should have never been to begin with.

People say, “Just breathe,” as if breathing helps you in your problem.

Here are some helpful hints.

Identify the problem that causes the anger. What is it that causes the anger in you to rise up? If you are angry because you are running late, then work on the cause of why are you always running behind? Manage your time better. Instead of getting on your phone and browsing Facebook and Instagram, use that time to prepare yourself for your day. It is amazing how much time is consumed on the Internet and social media. If you don’t believe me, try this little experiment. Set a stopwatch on your phone or watch and then go to YouTube, Facebook or Instagram. Read some posts, respond to some of them, click on a few ads, and open up Messenger to chat. When you are done, look at your watch and see how much time was spent on Facebook. Statistics show that the average user in 2019 and 2020 spent as much as 145 minutes per day on social media platforms. 145 minutes! That is 1 hour and 25 minutes a day, browsing. In 2021 the numbers have increased to an average of 2 hours and 45 minutes a day! In that time frame, what could you have been doing? Maybe you could have been preparing for where you had to go and leave earlier, so you are not rushing. Learn to limit yourself in the things you do and be more time conscience. Start wearing a watch to keep track of time or set an alarm on your phone to remind you when it is getting close to the time for you to leave. Plan on leaving early instead of “with just enough time.” Challenge yourself to make sure you are on time to all of your appointments. If your appointment is at 9:00 am and you know it will take you 20 minutes to get there, don’t leave at 8:40. Leave 20 minutes or more earlier and arrive there in plenty of time. You never know what you will face on the road, so it is better to leave early than to leave right on time and rush all the way.

Start Journaling. Sounds “girly,” doesn’t it? You might think that writing in a diary is something only teenage girls do. This is far from the truth. Journaling is one of the most effective and popular ways for a person to spend quality, one-on-one time with yourself and figure out what is going on in your own mind. Writing whatever thoughts come to mind is a great way to vent and also to self-evaluate. Write every day. Either at the start or the end of each day. 

During a counseling session, one young man spoke about how frustrated he was and he could not write. My response to him was, “Well, write that. Put down, ‘I have nothing to write. I am so frustrated.’”

That one small entry opened up a flood of entries.

If you are concerned about someone reading what you wrote, don’t be. There are many mobile apps that are used for journaling and some of them even have daily, self-help-quotes. One of my personal favorites is called Life: Personal Diary, Journal, Note Book. It is a mobile app locked by a password or your fingerprint.

Go outside. Get some exercise. Play a sport or start a new outdoor hobby. When was the last time you walked outside, took your shoes off, and stood in the cool, green grass? When was the last time you sat by the water and just listened? Fresh air is a surprising way to calm yourself and relieve anxiousness and stress. Some very successful, major companies made it a requirement that their employees go outside and walk barefoot in the grass before returning to work. Remember the days when kids in school had recess and the teachers let them go outside to play? That was a two-sided, win-win situation for both student and teacher. The teacher gets a well-deserved break from the children and the students get to release their pent-up energy and stress from having to sit at a desk for so many hours. After recess, the children were more focused, calm, and ready to study.

Be kind to others. What if the source of your anger is not work-related and not because you are running late? What if your anger problem is because of another person? How do we deal with people who make us angry?

The world is full of selfish and angry people. This is not to say that every person who angers you is a selfish person. But you have to recognize we live in an imperfect society where many people are dealing with problems, just like you. There is no getting away from every situation where we may encounter angry people but what we strive for is to make each situation better than it was when we encountered it. Smile more. Laugh more. Say a joke and lighten the mood. When you pass someone in the store or on the street, even if you are feeling upset, try to smile at them and say, “Hi! How’re you doing?” Say, “Good morning.” Or “Good afternoon,” to everyone you meet. You will be surprised at how one little kind gesture from you will brighten someone else’s day. The person you just passed up might also be having a bad day and needed to see just one smile and hear someone ask, how are they doing? In a world of selfish people, it is refreshing to see a beacon of light in all the dark. Become that beacon. And by you giving joy to someone you will see how joy is added to you. It makes you a happier person.

Don’t be discouraged if out of ten people you greet, only one responds. Rejoice in the one that responded and forget about the other nine. You will see over time; this way of greeting others will become second nature and it helps you to be a much calmer and friendlier person. Offer help, receive help.

When encountering a person who is angry or violent it is best to remove yourself from the situation as peacefully as possible. No need to throw a fit like a child, fussing and cussing as you storm out. We are not children. We are adults and must behave ourselves as such. Being angry… what good does it do? In the heat of an argument, words are thrown out without a second thought. Anger clouds the mind and makes you not be able to see clearly or make wise decisions. If another person is angry with you, listen to why they are angry. Don’t speak. Just listen. And don’t have in your mind what you are going to say in a rebuttal, as if you are the District Attorney, cross-examining a witness on the stand. Listen to the person. Tell them you understand. Tell them you are sorry for how they feel and try to fix the problem. In some cases, you may need to be the “bigger person,” and just apologize to them, even if you were not wrong. For some reason, they feel wronged by you and their feelings are genuine, even if they are misguided. Peace is better than war. Make peace. And if you cannot reason with the person or diffuse the situation, then it is best to walk away, calmly and come back when the person is calm and ready to talk.

When you can come and talk to a person that was angry, stick to “I” statements in your conversation.  Speak about yourself and the things you did wrong or how you felt. Don’t ever accuse or speak about the other person. Don’t bring up the past. Speak about what is happening right now. Let them learn from you and the way you respectfully handle the situation. Allow them to analyze themselves. They do not need you to tell them what they are doing wrong, because this might escalate the issue. Allow them to figure things out for themselves just as you did. But if it is not possible to communicate in a calm way with this person, just leave it alone.

And don’t ever hold a grudge. Holding onto things does nothing but consume you. The other person you are angry with might have already forgotten about the incident. So, the only one bothered by it, is you. Be free. Let no one control your emotions.  

Find someone to talk to. Have a plan set up if you get angry. Have a person to talk to on the phone or a friend you can go to when you are feeling upset. One young woman I counsel, I told her to have a code word for when they are in trouble and need help. What she will do is call or text her contact person with the code word, which means the other person knows it is urgent and to stop what they are doing and be the ear to hear. It helps to talk and not keep things bottled up. Go to your preacher, if you have one, and talk to them. Go talk to a friend or a family member. Keep searching until you find someone. You are not alone.

There are many things in life that will cause anger. But how we deal with the situations is what defines us.

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