RENT-A-HITMAN CAREERS

Join the Family, Capisce?

Did your high school guidance counselor, your folks, or even old Mrs. McGillicuddy next door ever say you’d never amount to nothing? Yeah, well, it’s time to show those gabagools what’s what. Step up and become the somebody you were always destined to be – a Field Operative for the most prestigious "Problem Resolution" organization in the world: Rent-A-Hitman.

Here at RAH, we’re not just making moves – we’re making history. Think of it as a career and a legacy.

Why Join Us?
Rent-A-Hitman: Your Point & Click Solution™ is an Equal Opportunity Employer (and we mean equal – we don’t even ask about your "family history").

Our onboarding process? Piece of cake. It’s as simple as whipping up a Sunday gravy. Just fill out the form, keep it honest (or close enough), and our Onboarding Specialists – who might know a guy who knows a guy – will take it from there. Got special skills? Maybe you’re good at "cleaning up" messes? Don’t be shy; lay it all out there.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Got a colorful past? Maybe a "mishap" here or there? Fuggedaboutit! Some of our most loyal operatives have "experience" that ain’t exactly from the Boy Scouts, if you catch my drift. Everyone’s got a story.

Got Friends in Low Places?
If you know someone who’s got what it takes to join our fast-growing "family," pass them the link. You’ll earn a sweet referral bonus if they make the cut – like finding a wad of unmarked Benjamins under your couch cushion.

Your Privacy is Safe with Us
Here at Rent-A-Hitman, we take your privacy very seriously. Thanks to the HIPPA (Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act of 1964), your secrets stay secret. What happens in the family, stays in the family.

Ready to Prove Yourself?
Thanks for showing interest in becoming a part of our family. Now, here’s the deal: before we bring you in, you’ve gotta pass a little test. Answer the questions below like your future depends on it – because it does. Half-baked answers? Fuhgeddaboudit.

Welcome to Rent-A-Hitman. Let’s make some magic happen, paisan. 🕴️

Your Name *

FirstLast

Alias / Street Name / Gamer Tag

NicknameName your Momma called you.

Your Phone

202-555-1212202-555-1212

Verified Email

Your Email*

Verified email addresses only per HIPPA

Your Address

Street Address

Street Address Line 2

CityState / Province

Postal / Zip Code

Date You Can Start

Date

What is the highest level of education you’ve achieved?

Trump University, Home Depot U, & McDonalds University credits accepted.

Can you drive a manual transmission?

All of our get-away cars are stick shifts.

Is Ketchup fruit based?

There are only 2 wrong answers.

Do you have a valid passport?

Must be valid if hired.

What is your least used password?

Don’t give us ********.

What languages do you speak fluently?

English, Bangladeshian, Russian preferred.

Which RUSH album is the best?

Moving Pictures or 2112.

What is your favorite music genre?

We are not accepting applications for Country, Gangster Rap, Folk or Acid Punk per ADA & Napster compliance.

Are you experienced?

Jimi Hendrix - IYKYK

Do you still posess all of your natural teeth?

90% or more preferred. Dental benefits provided.

Which pill would you take? *

List any relevant experience here.*

Get creative, it's your time to shine.

Have you ever been arrested, or convicted for any offenses? What was the final result? (Answering yes to this will not disqualify you from potential employment with RAH.)*

Exclude minor traffic violations.

In 50 words or less, please explain why you want to be a Field Operative with Rent-A-Hitman. *

Answers greater than 51 words will result in disqualification from the hiring process.

Please list any job requirements you may have. We really don't care, but whatever!

Seriously, we don't care, but if it makes you feel better then submit it.

What type of training would you need for us to consider you for a position with Rent-A-Hitman?*

The bolder, the better.

If you have anything else you would like to say, please say it here.

This is your last chance. Make it relevant.

Photo Headshot Required for the position of Field Operative.*

Upload your resume, booking photo, ID, crime scene image or birth certificate here. ANY photo from your computer or phone will be sufficient.

Browse Files

If you're serious about the position, as we are about onboarding you, we ask that you provide a document or image of requested materials. Failure to adhere to our requirements will result in immediate disqualification.

By submitting this application, you acknowledge that Rent-A-Hitman: Your Point & Click Solution is a legal parody website and does not condone or engage in illegal activities. Any real or incriminating requests will be promptly forwarded to law enforcement. This site is for entertainment and educational purposes only—no “whacking,” “offing,” or funny business allowed. We reserve the right to decline any application, and all communications become RAH property for public or private use. Also, we’re no longer affiliated with the National Guard, Ye, Beyoncé, Carole Baskin, or Skibidi Toilet. Capisce?