Identify Your Negative Cycle

Discovering Your "Negative Cycle"

We frequently get caught in familiar, but negative patterns of relating, especially with those who we care about most. These negative patterns of interaction, left untended, can erode our love and affection for each other. Identifying and breaking this negative cycle helps us decrease conflict and increase connection.
Let's figure out what your negative cycle is!

In order to do this exercise, you will need to think of somebody who you care about with whom you have (perhaps frequent) conflict, tension or disconnection. You can have them present and they can fill this out with you. But, if they're not available, just make your best guesses in terms of what you think they feel and do.
Your name*
The person with whom you have (perhaps frequent) conflict, tension or disconnection*
FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE

Think about times when you have had conflict, tension, or disconnection with this person.
At those times when YOU feel conflict, tension, or disconnection with them, what do YOU typically do?

Check everything that applies.
When I feel conflict, tension or disconnection with {thePerson}, I typically…*

‎ pursue‎ withdraw‎ complain‎ shut down‎ remind‎ get quiet‎ criticize‎ avoid‎ blame‎ get defensive‎ prod‎ problem solve‎ plead‎ give up‎ point out their mistakes‎ do not listen‎ tell them how to "improve"‎ refuse to talk‎ ask questions‎ change the subject‎ insist on making my point‎ focus elsewhere‎ yell‎ become very logical‎ make threats‎ minimize their concerns‎ express disapproval‎ find an exit‎ define them as the problem‎ go behind a wall or into a cave
My Behavior Count
My Behaviors
Okay great! You chose {myBehavior} different behaviors that you do when you feel conflict, tension, or disconnection with {thePerson}.

Now, from this list of {myBehavior} behaviors that you just chose above, we are going to NARROW THESE DOWN to the TOP THREE behaviors that you do. Here's the list:

{myBehaviors}

So, take a look at this list of behaviors once again.

And in your own mind, as you read over the list, I want you to choose which of these behaviors would be your TOP THREE behaviors.

Got it? Take a moment to really look at that list and reflect on what is your top three.

--

Once you have your top three behaviors chosen, I want you to go through the list below and then UN-CHECK {uncheckTo} item(s) on your list until you are left with only your TOP THREE behaviors.
The TOP THREE things I do when I feel conflict, tension or disconnection with {thePerson}…*

‎ pursue‎ withdraw‎ complain‎ shut down‎ remind‎ get quiet‎ criticize‎ avoid‎ blame‎ get defensive‎ prod‎ problem solve‎ plead‎ give up‎ point out their mistakes‎ do not listen‎ tell them how to "improve"‎ refuse to talk‎ ask questions‎ change the subject‎ insist on making my point‎ focus elsewhere‎ yell‎ become very logical‎ make threats‎ minimize their concerns‎ express disapproval‎ find an exit‎ define them as the problem‎ go behind a wall or into a cave
Uncheck to get Top THREE Count
FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE

Now, let yourself yourself imagine things from the perspective of the other person. (If they're available, great, you can ask them – otherwise, just make your best guesses for them.)
At times when THEY feel conflict, tension, or disconnection with you, what do THEY typically do?

Check everything that applies.
When {thePerson} feels conflict, tension or disconnection with me, they typically…*

‎ pursue‎ withdraw‎ complain‎ shut down‎ remind‎ get quiet‎ criticize‎ avoid‎ blame‎ get defensive‎ prod‎ problem solve‎ plead‎ give up‎ point out my mistakes‎ do not listen‎ tell me how to "improve"‎ refuse to talk‎ ask questions‎ change the subject‎ insist on making their point‎ focus elsewhere‎ yell‎ become very logical‎ make threats‎ minimize my concerns‎ express disapproval‎ find an exit‎ define me as the problem‎ go behind a wall or into a cave
Their Behavior Count
Their Behaviors
Okay great! You listed {theirBehavior} different behaviors that THEY do when there is conflict, tension, or disconnection between the two of you.

Now, from this list of their {theirBehavior} behaviors, we are going to NARROW THESE DOWN to the TOP THREE behaviors that they do.

So, take a look at this list of behaviors once again.

{theirBehaviors}

And in your own mind, as you read over the list, I want you to think about what their TOP THREE behaviors might be.

Got it? Take a moment to really look at that list and reflect on what is their top three.

--

Okay. Once you have your top three behaviors chosen, I want you to go through the list below and then UN-CHECK {uncheckTo118} item(s) on your list until you are left with only their TOP THREE behaviors.
{thePerson}'s TOP THREE behaviors*

‎ pursue‎ withdraw‎ complain‎ shut down‎ remind‎ get quiet‎ criticize‎ avoid‎ blame‎ get defensive‎ prod‎ problem solve‎ plead‎ give up‎ point out my mistakes‎ do not listen‎ tell me how to "improve"‎ refuse to talk‎ ask questions‎ change the subject‎ insist on making their point‎ focus elsewhere‎ yell‎ become very logical‎ make threats‎ minimize my concerns‎ express disapproval‎ find an exit‎ define me as the problem‎ go behind a wall or into a cave
Uncheck to get Top THREE Count
FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE

Okay – now switch back to your own perspective again. This time we're going to talk about feelings. Particularly the feelings that occur when you are in conflict or tension with the other person
When I feel disconnected from {thePerson} or we are not getting along, the emotions I tend to feel the most often are (check everything that applies):*

‎ lonely‎ dismissed‎ isolated‎ unimportant‎ helpless‎ intimidated‎ unwanted‎ unworthy‎ panicked‎ failing‎ rejected‎ vulnerable‎ overwhelmed‎ resentful‎ inadequate‎ ashamed‎ insignificant‎ worried‎ angry‎ frustrated‎ criticized‎ lost‎ shaky‎ irritated‎ scared‎ confused‎ sad‎ disappointed
Number of Emotions You Chose
My Feelings
Okay great! You selected {numberOf} different emotions that you might feel when the two of you are not getting along or are disconnected from one other.

Now, from this list of {numberOf} emotions that you just chose above, we are going to NARROW THESE DOWN to the TOP THREE emotions that you might feel. So, take a look at this list of emotions once again.

{myFeelings}

And in your own mind, as you read over the list, I want you to choose which of these emotions would be your TOP THREE.

Think about which are your TOP THREE feelings.

Got it? Take a moment to really look at that list and reflect on what is your top three.

--

Once you've got your top three feelings I want you to take a look at the list below and UN-CHECK {uncheckTo128} item(s) on your list until you are left with only the TOP THREE emotions that you feel during those times.
My TOP THREE emotions*

‎ lonely‎ dismissed‎ isolated‎ unimportant‎ helpless‎ intimidated‎ unwanted‎ unworthy‎ panicked‎ failing‎ rejected‎ vulnerable‎ overwhelmed‎ resentful‎ inadequate‎ ashamed‎ insignificant‎ worried‎ angry‎ frustrated‎ criticized‎ lost‎ shaky‎ irritated‎ scared‎ confused‎ sad‎ disappointed
Uncheck to get my Top THREE Emotions
FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE

Now, let yourself yourself imagine things from the perspective of the other person. (If they're available, great, you can ask them – otherwise, just make your best guesses for them.)
When {thePerson} feels disconnected from me or we are not getting along, {thePerson} tends to feel these emotions (check everything that applies):*

‎ lonely‎ dismissed‎ isolated‎ unimportant‎ helpless‎ intimidated‎ unwanted‎ unworthy‎ panicked‎ failing‎ rejected‎ vulnerable‎ overwhelmed‎ resentful‎ inadequate‎ ashamed‎ insignificant‎ worried‎ angry‎ frustrated‎ criticized‎ lost‎ shaky‎ irritated‎ scared‎ confused‎ sad‎ disappointed
Number of Emotions They Feel
Their Feelings
Okay great! You selected {numberOf107} different emotions that they might feel when the two of you are not getting along or are disconnected from one other.

Now, from this list of {numberOf} emotions above, we are going to NARROW THESE DOWN to the TOP THREE emotions that they might feel.

So, take a look at this list of emotions once again. These emotions are:

{theirFeelings}

And in your own mind, as you read over the list, I want you to choose which of these emotions you think would be their TOP THREE.

Got it? Take a moment to really look at that list and reflect on what is their top three.

--

Do you have their top three emotions? Ok, great! Once you do next, please take a list at the checklist below and UN-CHECK {uncheckTo129} item(s) on the list until there are only their TOP THREE emotions:
{thePerson}'s TOP THREE emotions*

‎ lonely‎ dismissed‎ isolated‎ unimportant‎ helpless‎ intimidated‎ unwanted‎ unworthy‎ panicked‎ failing‎ rejected‎ vulnerable‎ overwhelmed‎ resentful‎ inadequate‎ ashamed‎ insignificant‎ worried‎ angry‎ frustrated‎ criticized‎ lost‎ shaky‎ irritated‎ scared‎ confused‎ sad‎ disappointed
Uncheck to get their Top THREE Emotions
Congrats! Just fill out your email below, and we will send you your (approximate) negative cycle!

Please allow up to one hour for calculation and processing. :-)
E-mail*
example@example.com
PS. If you'd like to subscribe to our newsletter, please check yes below.

Yes, please sign me up!No, thank you. :-)
Summary of the Relationship
You are the pursuer-they are the withdrawer
In this relationship, you are the pursuer, and they are the withdrawer. You tend to be the one who engages and pursues contact and connection during times of conflict. You appear to be soothed by seeking out connection. The other person, however, tends to withdraw and avoid emotional contact during conflict. They are soothed by emotionally retreating into themselves.
Both of you appear to be "pursuers"
In this relationship, both of you appear to be "pursuers." Both of you appear to wish to engage and pursue contact and connection during times of conflict. Both of you seem to want to be soothed by seeking out connection. Sometimes, this can be a good thing, although it can lead to situations that escalate, as each of you tries to get your needs met.
Both of you appear to be "withdrawers"
In this relationship, both of you appear to be "withdrawers." Both of you seem to typically withdraw and avoid emotional contact during conflict. You each appear to be soothed by emotionally retreating into yourselves. While this means that conflict is frequently mitigated due to avoidance, it also frequently means that issues don't get dealt with. And things are not spoken about.
You are the withdrawer-they are the pursuer
In this relationship, you are the withdrawer, and they are the pursuer. You tend to withdraw and avoid emotional contact during conflict. You are soothed by emotionally retreating into yourself. However, they tend to want to engage and pursue contact and connection during times of conflict. They appear to be soothed by seeking out connection.
My Pursue Score
My Withdraw Score
The other person's Pursue Score
The other person's Withdraw Score
My P+W score
Their P+W Score
My P/W minus their P/W Score
In this relationship, you have the following tendencies:
In this relationship, the other person has the following tendencies:
Should be Empty:

Discovering Your "Negative Cycle"

Let's figure out what your negative cycle is!

FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE

At those times when YOU feel conflict, tension, or disconnection with them, what do YOU typically do?

FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE

At times when THEY feel conflict, tension, or disconnection with you, what do THEY typically do?

Okay great! You listed {theirBehavior} different behaviors that THEY do when there is conflict, tension, or disconnection between the two of you.

FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE

Okay great! You selected {numberOf} different emotions that you might feel when the two of you are not getting along or are disconnected from one other.

FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE

Okay great! You selected {numberOf107} different emotions that they might feel when the two of you are not getting along or are disconnected from one other.

Congrats! Just fill out your email below, and we will send you your (approximate) negative cycle!