How relationships should not feel (after leaving a relationship)

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IMPORTANT: If you are a professional or Non-Victim wanting to explore this tool - please use this version (so that the data collected represents true victim experiences, thanks)

Disclaimer

This survey is for educational purposes only and does not serve as a clinical assessment. If you have any concerns about your situation, please contact your GP, the police or a recognised domestic abuse service.

If you feel a risk to yourself (self-harm or suicide) click here for advice.

Consent (Please Read):

By completing and submitting this form - you consent to:

your data being stored anonymously

your data being used (Anonymously) for ethical research, to understand the needs and histories of people who have experienced domestic abuse.

your anonymous data being written into research reports for sharing in presentations / research papers.

You also understand that your data being anonymous means that we cannot delete this at a later time, as we will not be able to know which data you provided to the database.
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Which category below includes your age below?We do not recommend this survey for anyone below 16 years of age.
16-18
18-19
20-30
31-40
41-50
51-64
65 and over
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What is your gender?
Female
Male
Prefer not to say
Other
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What is your sexuality?
Heterosexual
Homosexual
Lesbian
Bisexual
Prefer not to say
Other
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How do you best describe your race?
Asian or Asian : British, Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Chinese / Any other Asian background
Black, Black British, Caribbean or African: Caribbean, African, Any other Black, Black British, or Caribbean background
Mixed or multiple ethnic groups: White and Black Caribbean, White and Black African, White and Asian / Any other Mixed or multiple ethnic background
White: English, Welsh, Scottish, Northern Irish or British, Irish, Gypsy or Irish Traveller, Roma / Any other White background
Other ethnic group: Arab /Any other ethnic group
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What is your current status?
In a relationship, curious about if it is abusive.
In an abusive relationship, working on leaving.
Recently left, still a struggle.
Long left, now stabilised.
Other
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How did you hear about this site / assessment?
Social Media
Internet Search
Charity referral
The GOGL book
Internet Forum
Word of mouth
Other
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I was constantly afraid that I would do something wrong and upset my partner again.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I was repeatedly checking that things are how my partner wanted them.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I was afraid of being caught, doing things others find normal (like calling a friend, spending money or being home late).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt like I was walking on eggshells all of the time, nervous of what mood my partner would be in each day.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I was afraid of my partner's anger (or distress).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I worried about the effect on my children when my partner was upset / angry* This field is required.
Yes
No
I have no children.
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I worried about getting hit or sexually assaulted.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt I was at risk of abuse, if I tried to leave.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt I failed at my basic duties as a partner (and I am told this).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt I had to stay for a reason (not including finances / fear of risk) e.g. loyalty, promised to say, lack of self-confidence, feeling of guilt / shame etc...)* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt that others were expecting me to stay, that is why I stayed (e.g. family, friends, community, church members etc).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt it was my role to meet my partner's needs, whatever they were.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt that I failed as a partner and deserved to apologise / take the blame.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I had basic routines I MUST meet - such as making dinner on time, keeping the house tidy, being home on time... else I was told that I was a failure/wrong.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I received threats about what would happen, if I left.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I was told that I was unlovable and would not find anyone else.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt sorry when my partner was upset or angry and wanted to repair things.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt I was the blame, for my partner's difficulties in loving me.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I apologised after I had been abused, for causing it.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I failed to leave / argue back because my partner threatened suicide or self-harm.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I failed to leave because my children would witness a divorce or lose contact with me (or their other parent).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I hid what my relationship was really like, from others.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I rejected suggestions from others, that my relationship is bad (e.g. I get angry, I avoid the conversation, I feel they are criticising my partner, I find it too difficult to hear as I don't have a way out, I am embarrassed / ashamed)* This field is required.
Yes
No
No suggestions were made, by others
Other
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I feel ashamed that I was unable to be a better / perfect partner.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt ashamed that I had been abused by my partner.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt ashamed that I had acted abusive, in the past (victims can find themselves acting in the same way as their partner, sometimes in attempt to resist abuse).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I hid bruises, cuts and scrapes.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I find it difficult to notice that I need things for myself, or have a plan to have things for myself.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I struggle to remember the past (gaps in memory or confusion).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I have, in the past, struggled to stay away from / stop thinking about my ex.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I have lost touch with some of my positive feelings (joy, excitement, relaxation, ambition etc..)* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I lack confidence in myself to survive on my own or find another lover and/or I was told by my partner that I would not survive without them.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I shrunk from the world - with less and less friends / hobbies.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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FearFear
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Out of 8
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ObligationObligation
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Out of 8
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GuiltShame
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Out of 5
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Shame
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Out of 6
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Loss or Self/Reality
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Out of 6
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Your Assessment Results

As you read these results, reflect on what your needs might be - and how you can go further to understand yourself.

This assessment is based on the FOGS framework (Fear, Obligation, Guilt and Shame) developed in the self-help book 'Get Out Get Love'.

These emotions are not only common, but also a consequence of abusive behaviours - but usually hidden to us. We feel them and they drive our behaviours, but we don't see how they emerged out of abuse and how they support us in staying with abusive partners.

The Fear, Obligation, Guilt & Shame Model : In relation to drama cycles in abusive relationships.
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FEAR

Your score is {fear130} out of 8.

Fear is a common experience for people who have experienced abusive relationships.

- Fear of the abuse
- Fear of the future
- Fear of upsetting your partner (or ex)
- Fear of being to blame

Many people talk about walking on eggshells in the relationship and experiencing the echoes of this fear when they leave (trauma symptoms, fear of a new relationship, fear of their ex, etc).

Enduring fear (tension, panic, stress) is a sign of an abusive relationship when the fear is about the relationship.

The main message to take away is that people are not afraid of their partners (or their partner's reactions) in healthy relationships.

If you scored above 0, we advise you to think about this fear and whether it could be a signal that the relationship was abusive. The questions asked were about experiences of fear that are not common when abuse is absent. Fear often follows us, when we escape - in the form of stress, anxiety and trauma.

Obligation

Your score is {obligation131} out of 8.

We can feel obligated to do things, without realising that these beliefs make no sense.

If you scored over 0, think about the things you feel you "must", "should" or "ought" to do for your partner or in your relationship.

Ask yourself if these are things you think your child, sibling, or friends "should" do in their lives... or if you've just accepted this for you. Think about whether these ideas help you to live a great life or get in the way of freedom and self-love.

It's difficult to see this, in ourselves - to notice the truth versus what we believe. But many victims of abuse blame themselves and stay for reasons that usually start with "I should", "I must" or "I ought to"... signals that these are beliefs and not necessarily true.

Obligation can get in the way of us doing what we need for ourselves, even after escape. It needs work so that you can meet your own needs!

Guilt

Your score is {guilt132} out of 5.

Guilt is a very common feeling for people, in abusive relationships. People often say or think things such as:

- I feel guilty for the distress I cause
- I feel like I'm not a good enough partner
- I feel it is all my fault
- I feel bad, leaving them
- I would feel wrong if I took my children with me

These ideas are often fed into us, in the relationship. The guilt often feels like the fault of the victim - said and enforced many, many times until it is believed.

If you feel guilty, often... this is a red flag.

Here is an article to read about guilt, that may help.

Guilt is a real problem for survivors, as it leads to shame...

Shame

Your score is {shame133} out of 6.

Shame is perhaps the emotion heard most often from people who have left abusive relationships. People feel ashamed of loving an abuser, of being to blame, of staying so long, of the damage to their children, of returning to their partner again and again... and more.

Shame is connected to the beliefs we feel guilty about - beliefs (or rules) that we were told were true, and we came to believe.

It is a powerful emotion that gets in the way of us seeking help, or even helping ourselves - being too ashamed to even look at our own needs. This emotion can be difficult to shake off, even years after escaping... and is very common!

Shame is a powerful emotion that is difficult to face - but when we experience it in our relationship we must face it, as things are not right.

There are ways to reduce and soothe it, see our resources listed below.

Loss of reality / self

Your score is {lossOr} out of 6.

As abusive relationships continue - people lose touch with:

- their own needs.
- their sense of self-worth.
- their ambition for themselves.
- a desire to be free.
- regular feelings of joy.
- the memory of their past.

Much of this is replaced with anxiety about what our abusive partner needs - and our memories are clouded by the stress and trauma of our past experiences.

If these questions resonate with you, it is important to address the cause and to recognise that recovering from this takes work and effort.

What next (Resources)?

If you are concerned that you are experiencing domestic abuse please contact support services or your GP/Police.

Specialist self-help support, from our Psychology team:

1. A FREE 6-week self-compassion programme.

Developed to support you to reduce regret and to be kinder to yourself. Created by Dr Craig Newman, founder of Get Out Get Love (RRP £75)

Click HERE

2. Don't miss our limited 80% OFF offer, for the full 12 months recovery package:

Support your own recovery with an evidence-based self-delivered recovery programme:

Consider the Get Out Get Love programme, designed by Clinical Psychology specialists to support recovery, after abusive relationships (for all sexes and relationship types).

Available as a book and/or as a digital programme. Find out more here.

Additional readings that may help:

Recovery from domestic abuse / abusive relationships... there is hope!

Are you trapped? How to Spot Coercive Control and Break Free

What is coercive control & what to do if you have / are experiencing it

Get Over an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: The Essentials guide

Good Luck
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Your Assessment Results

FEAR

Obligation

Guilt

Shame

Loss of reality / self

What next (Resources)?

Receive a copy of this report (optional)

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