Renurture: How relationships should not feel (after leaving a relationship)

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Disclaimer

This survey is for educational purposes only and does not serve as a clinical assessment. If you have any concerns about your situation, please contact your GP, the police or a recognised domestic abuse service.

If you feel a risk to yourself (self-harm or suicide) click here for advice.

Consent (Please Read):

This reflection helps you understand how certain patterns may affect your wellbeing after a relationship.

It’s not a diagnostic or clinical test. If you become distressed, you can pause or close the page at any time.

If you feel unsafe or at risk, please contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) (UK) or local emergency services.
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Confirmation* This field is required.
I understand and agree to take part anonymously.
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Please select what type of user you areThis helps us to ensure our research is clear about how this form was used.
I am taking this assessment for myself
I am taking this for someone I believe may be experiencing abuse
I am just curious - no concerns
I am a therapist / clinician / DA worker
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Which category below includes your age below?We do not recommend this survey for anyone below 16 years of age.
16-18
18-19
20-30
31-40
41-50
51-64
65 and over
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What is your gender?
Female
Male
Prefer not to say
Other
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What is your sexuality?
Heterosexual
Homosexual
Lesbian
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Prefer not to say
Other
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How do you best describe your race?
Asian or Asian : British, Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Chinese / Any other Asian background
Black, Black British, Caribbean or African: Caribbean, African, Any other Black, Black British, or Caribbean background
Mixed or multiple ethnic groups: White and Black Caribbean, White and Black African, White and Asian / Any other Mixed or multiple ethnic background
White: English, Welsh, Scottish, Northern Irish or British, Irish, Gypsy or Irish Traveller, Roma / Any other White background
Other ethnic group: Arab /Any other ethnic group
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What is your current status?
In a relationship, curious about if it is abusive.
In an abusive relationship, working on leaving.
Recently left, still a struggle.
Long left, now stabilised.
Other
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How did you hear about this site / assessment?
Social Media
Internet Search
Charity referral
The GOGL book
Internet Forum
Word of mouth
Other
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I often watched what I said or did to avoid my partner’s anger or moods.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt nervous doing ordinary things — like messaging friends, spending money, or being home late.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I changed parts of myself to keep the peace (what I wore, who I saw, or what I said).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt physically or emotionally unsafe at times.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I worried about the effect on my children when my partner was upset / angry* This field is required.
Yes
No
I have no children.
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I felt it was not safe, to leave the relationship* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I stayed because I felt I should — for loyalty, guilt, promises, or the children.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I believed my role was to keep them calm or happy, no matter what it cost me.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I was told, or came to believe, that I wouldn’t cope or be loved by anyone else.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt that I failed as a partner and deserved to apologise / take the blame.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I was told or made to believe I wouldn’t cope, or no one else would want me.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt responsible for their anger, sadness, or stress.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I apologised after being hurt, thinking I must have caused it.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I stayed silent or forgave quickly because I felt bad seeing them upset.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I failed to leave because my children would witness a divorce or lose contact with me (or their other parent).* This field is required.
Yes
No
Don't have children
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I hid what was really happening because I felt embarrassed or weak (inlcuidng .* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt bad, stupid, or “less than” for letting it happen or for not leaving sooner.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I rejected help or downplayed what was going on, afraid people would judge me or hate my partner.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I felt ashamed that I had acted abusive, in the past (victims can find themselves acting in the same way as their partner, sometimes in attempt to resist abuse).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I stopped doing things that once made me happy or proud.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I struggle to remember the past (gaps in memory or confusion).* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I have, in the past, struggled to stay away from / stop thinking about my ex.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I have lost touch with some of my positive feelings (joy, excitement, relaxation, ambition etc..)* This field is required.
Yes
No
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I lack confidence in myself to survive on my own or find another lover and/or I was told by my partner that I would not survive without them.* This field is required.
Yes
No
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FearFear
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Out of 8
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ObligationObligation
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Out of 8
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GuiltShame
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Out of 5
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Shame
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Out of 6
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Loss or Self/Reality
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Out of 6
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Red flag questions
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Red Flag
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Your Assessment Results

You’ve just completed an emotional insight tool based on the FOGS Framework — Fear, Obligation, Guilt, Shame and Loss of Self.

These feelings are not signs of weakness; they’re signals of what you’ve survived and what deserves healing.

Your scores don’t measure who you are — they highlight what’s asking for care.
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Important Observation

Some of your answers suggest experiences that were unsafe, controlling, or deeply distressing.
Even if these belong to your past, their emotional effects can still echo through anxiety, self-doubt, or difficulty trusting yourself or others.

If any risks are ongoing (for you or your children), please contact your GP or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) for confidential support.

Pleass Next to see your full summary.
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FEAR

Your score is {fear130} out of 6.

Fear is a survival response — not a flaw.
When fear becomes part of daily life (“walking on eggshells”, bracing for reactions), it can linger even after leaving.

If any part of this feels familiar, it’s your body remembering danger, not your fault.
Try:

Reading How to Stop Feeling Guilty — it also covers the link between fear and guilt.
Starting the FREE 6-Week Self-Compassion Course — a gentle way to calm survival responses.

Obligation

Your score is {obligation131} out of 5.

Obligation often hides as duty, loyalty or love.
Healthy love feels chosen, not owed.

Notice where “I should” or “I must” still runs your decisions — they’re invitations to rewrite your own rules.

Try:
Reflect on one small act this week that’s for you, not for keeping peace.
Each choice builds new self-trust.

Guilt

Your score is {guilt132} out of 4.

Guilt after abuse is common — you were trained to take responsibility for someone else’s emotions.

Guilt loses power when replaced with curiosity: “What do I actually need right now?”

Try:
Journal one sentence that begins with “It wasn’t my job to…”

Guilt is a real problem for survivors, as it leads to shame...

Shame

Your score is {shame133} out of 4.

Shame whispers that you’re broken — but in truth, it’s proof you were too kind in a place that punished kindness.

Healing begins when you speak about what you once hid. You are never the shameful one — the behaviour done to you is.

Try:

Share a small truth with someone safe, or write it privately first.

Loss of reality / self

Your score is {lossOr} out of 5.

Losing a sense of who you are is one of the most painful after-effects — but it’s also where recovery begins.

The parts of you that disappeared were hidden for safety, not gone forever. They can return.

Try:

Reconnect with one forgotten interest or friend.
Read Recovery from Domestic Abuse — There is Hope.

What next (Resources)?

If you are concerned that you are experiencing domestic abuse please contact support services or your GP/Police.

Specialist self-help support, from our Psychology team:

1. A FREE 6-week self-compassion programme:

Developed to support you to reduce regret and to be kinder to yourself. Created by Dr Craig Newman, founder of Get Out Get Love (RRP £75)

Click HERE

2. Our complete recovery package:

Support your own recovery with an evidence-based self-delivered recovery programme

Renurture, From relationship trauma to self-worth: Award-winning programme created by experts.

Find out more, here.

Additional readings that may help:

Recovery from domestic abuse / abusive relationships... there is hope!

Are you trapped? How to Spot Coercive Control and Break Free

What is coercive control & what to do if you have / are experiencing it

Get Over an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: The Essentials guide

Good Luck, you are not alone!
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Your Assessment Results

Important Observation

FEAR

Obligation

Guilt

Shame

Loss of reality / self

What next (Resources)?

Receive a copy of this report (optional)

Clearing your browser history