Our Negative Cycle

Take this Relationship Quiz to Start Changing the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

All couples get caught sometimes in “negative cycles” of interaction, despite both people's best intentions and efforts. You react to your partner’s reactions and your partner reacts to your reactions, and round and round you go in a feedback loop, with both of you hurting.

There is always a lot more going on than you can see on the surface. If you each complete this exercise and compare your results, you can begin to understand the underlying feelings in both of you that drive your negative cycle, which is the first step toward climbing out of this distress.

To better focus on the behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that matter the most to you, please choose no more than 5 options for each question or sentence completion.
Our Negative Cycle
When something happens between us and I feel disconnection, conflict, or tension with you, most often my reaction is to *

Ask questions, push you to respond, or try to get your attention Plead, pursue, cling, or try to get close Complain Insist on making my point Correct, remind, or try to change you Interrupt you Raise my voice Disapprove, criticize, or blame you Provoke, prod, attack, or threaten Stay calm, reason, analyze, or problem solve Move away, turn to a task, joke, or change the subject Defend myself, make excuses, minimize your concerns, or show you are wrong Push the feelings away Placate, give in, or give up Get quiet, withdraw, not respond, or put up a wall Zone out, shut you out, or not listen Stop the conversation Use alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, shopping, overeating, or similar
I do this in the hope that *

We will avoid conflict I will persuade you to respond to me more
In our circular dance, YOU seem to then *

Ask questions, push me to respond, or try to get my attention Plead, pursue, cling, or try to get close Complain Insist on making your point Correct, remind, or try to change me Interrupt me Raise your voice Disapprove, criticize, or blame me Provoke, prod, attack, or threaten Stay calm, reason, analyze, or problem solve Move away, turn to a task, joke, or change the subject Defend yourself, make excuses, minimize my concerns, or show I am wrong Push the feelings away Placate, give in, or give up Get quiet, withdraw, not respond, or put up a wall Zone out, shut me out, or not listen Stop the conversation Use alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, shopping, overeating, or similar
When you react this way, I mostly feel *

Disappointed or sad Hurt Lonely, isolated, or starved for attention Abandoned Frustrated or irritated Angry Resentful Helpless or hopeless Confused or lost Controlled or smothered Humiliated Small, unimportant, or dismissed Failing or inadequate Guilty or ashamed Afraid, anxious, or shaky Worried, nervous, overwhelmed Intimidated, vulnerable, or unsafe Numb or empty Misunderstood or unappreciated Rejected or unwanted
And in my body, my sensations or impulses are *

Aching heart Cold and still Tense muscles Clenched teeth Flushed or hot face Fidgety or clenched hands An urge to cry / tearful Fast heartbeat Breathless Lump or tightness in my throat I suddenly feel unsafe Pressure in my chest Hollow feeling in chest Walking on eggshells Stepping into a minefield Uneasy stomach / sick feeling Butterflies in stomach Wanting to run away Wanting to hide or disappear I freeze: don’t move, talk, think, look Paralyzed
In these moments, it feels as if *

I'm on the edge of a cliff There is a wall between us Sandpaper is rubbing on my heart I'm hanging by a thread My tether is cut I'm knocking and knocking on the door I'm in the doghouse I'm out in the cold, alone I'm reaching into emptiness I've been sent to sit in the corner I'm walking on eggshells I need my copilot I'm walking on broken glass The bridge between us is broken I’m going behind a wall I’m forgotten I'm a deer in the headlights I’m left behind I'm armoring up I'm getting crumbs I've been convicted of a crime
The catastrophic thing I then say to myself is *

I'm all alone I'm too much It's always my fault I'm not good enough I can never please you You don’t care about me You’re never there for me I’m not important to you I’m going to lose you I can’t take this anymore We’re not going to make it
Deep down, I am really longing for you to *

Reassure me Value me See me Tell me I’m special to you Hold me and help me Be there for me Tell me you love me Accept me Validate me Tell me I can count on you Support me See that I am trying and doing the best I can Comfort me Help me to feel safe Tell me I’m special to you, you value our relationship, and I’m number one with you. Want me as a partner and lover. Love and accept me with my feelings and imperfections. Need me and want me close. Care about my feelings, hurts, and needs. Be there for me, and not leave me alone when I need you the most. Hear and respect me, not dismiss me or leap into thinking the worst of me. Give me a chance to learn how to be with you. Tell me I can count on you to hear me and put everything else aside. Tell me I can ask you to hold me, and understand that just asking is very hard for me.
Without meaning to, each of us often deals with disconnection in a way that scares the other person and pushes him or her farther away. The coping style I tend to use most often in moments of distress is *

Protest: I move toward you, protesting the disconnection and requesting (or demanding!) connection. (Sadly, this pursuit might come across to you as alarming anger and criticism, rather than an attempt to heal the relationship.) Distance: I move away from you, trying to avoid painful conflict and not feel my unmet need for connection. (Sadly, this withdrawal might be seen by you as an alarming lack of love, rather than an attempt to protect the relationship and both of us from further damage.)
When each person’s response to disconnection inadvertently alarms the other and increases the distance between us, a vicious circle ensues. Like a whirlpool, this circle pulls us both in and is very hard to escape! Overall, the cycle that feels the closest to what happens in our relationship is *

The more I protest, the more you distance – and the more you distance, the more I protest and pursue. The more I distance, the more you protest – and the more you protest and pursue, the more I distance. We both pursue. The more each person feels criticized, the more he or she defends by criticizing back. We both distance. The more distant and unapproachable each person appears, the more the other withdraws.
Congratulations on taking a first step toward changing the negative cycle in your relationship! If you would like to receive a summary of your cycle by email, please enter your name and email below.

If you would like to learn more about how to calm down your cycle, reconnect with each other, and recreate safety and closeness in your relationship, please email me or visit occounseling.net. I would be happy to talk with you about the options available to you, including self-help, couples workshops, and couples counseling.
Name *

First Name Last Name
E-mail *
Warmly,
Betsy Walli
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist #85860
PhD Linguistics, MS Counseling
betsy@occounseling.net

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Seal Beach, CA 90740

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https://occounseling.net

Copyright 2017. Adapted by Betsy Walli, LMFT, from Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight Workshop by Sam Jinich & Michelle Gannon, and When We Are Not Getting Along by Douglas Tillley.
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