Our Negative Cycle

Take this Relationship Quiz to Start Changing the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

All couples get caught sometimes in “negative cycles” of interaction, despite both people's best intentions and efforts. You react to your partner’s reactions and your partner reacts to your reactions, and round and round you go in a feedback loop, with both of you hurting.

There is always a lot more going on than you can see on the surface. If you each complete this exercise and compare your results, you can begin to understand the underlying feelings in both of you that drive your negative cycle, which is the first step toward climbing out of this distress.

To better focus on the behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that matter the most to you, please choose no more than 5 options for each question or sentence completion.
Our Negative Cycle
When something happens between us and I feel disconnection, conflict, or tension with you, most often my reaction is to*

Ask questions, push you to respond, or try to get your attentionPlead, pursue, cling, or try to get closeComplainInsist on making my pointCorrect, remind, or try to change youInterrupt youRaise my voiceDisapprove, criticize, or blame youProvoke, prod, attack, or threatenStay calm, reason, analyze, or problem solveMove away, turn to a task, joke, or change the subjectDefend myself, make excuses, minimize your concerns, or show you are wrongPush the feelings awayPlacate, give in, or give upGet quiet, withdraw, not respond, or put up a wallZone out, shut you out, or not listenStop the conversationUse alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, shopping, overeating, or similarOther
I do this in the hope that*

We will avoid conflictI will persuade you to respond to me moreOther
In our circular dance, YOU seem to then*

Ask questions, push me to respond, or try to get my attentionPlead, pursue, cling, or try to get closeComplainInsist on making your pointCorrect, remind, or try to change meInterrupt meRaise your voiceDisapprove, criticize, or blame meProvoke, prod, attack, or threatenStay calm, reason, analyze, or problem solveMove away, turn to a task, joke, or change the subjectDefend yourself, make excuses, minimize my concerns, or show I am wrongPush the feelings awayPlacate, give in, or give upGet quiet, withdraw, not respond, or put up a wallZone out, shut me out, or not listenStop the conversationUse alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, shopping, overeating, or similarOther
When you react this way, I mostly feel *

Disappointed or sadHurtLonely, isolated, or starved for attentionAbandonedFrustrated or irritatedAngryResentfulHelpless or hopelessConfused or lostControlled or smotheredHumiliatedSmall, unimportant, or dismissedFailing or inadequateGuilty or ashamedAfraid, anxious, or shakyWorried, nervous, overwhelmedIntimidated, vulnerable, or unsafeNumb or emptyMisunderstood or unappreciatedRejected or unwantedOther
And in my body, my sensations or impulses are*

Aching heartCold and stillTense musclesClenched teethFlushed or hot faceFidgety or clenched handsAn urge to cry / tearfulFast heartbeatBreathlessLump or tightness in my throatI suddenly feel unsafePressure in my chestHollow feeling in chestWalking on eggshellsStepping into a minefieldUneasy stomach / sick feelingButterflies in stomachWanting to run awayWanting to hide or disappearI freeze: don’t move, talk, think, lookParalyzedOther
In these moments, it feels as if*

I'm on the edge of a cliffThere is a wall between usSandpaper is rubbing on my heartI'm hanging by a threadMy tether is cutI'm knocking and knocking on the doorI'm in the doghouseI'm out in the cold, aloneI'm reaching into emptinessI've been sent to sit in the cornerI'm walking on eggshellsI need my copilotI'm walking on broken glassThe bridge between us is brokenI’m going behind a wallI’m forgottenI'm a deer in the headlightsI’m left behindI'm armoring upI'm getting crumbsI've been convicted of a crimeOther
The catastrophic thing I then say to myself is *

I'm all aloneI'm too muchIt's always my faultI'm not good enoughI can never please youYou don’t care about meYou’re never there for meI’m not important to youI’m going to lose youI can’t take this anymoreWe’re not going to make itOther
Deep down, I am really longing for you to *

Reassure meValue meSee meTell me I’m special to youHold me and help meBe there for meTell me you love meAccept meValidate meTell me I can count on youSupport meSee that I am trying and doing the best I canComfort meHelp me to feel safeTell me I’m special to you, you value our relationship, and I’m number one with you.Want me as a partner and lover.Love and accept me with my feelings and imperfections.Need me and want me close.Care about my feelings, hurts, and needs.Be there for me, and not leave me alone when I need you the most.Hear and respect me, not dismiss me or leap into thinking the worst of me.Give me a chance to learn how to be with you.Tell me I can count on you to hear me and put everything else aside.Tell me I can ask you to hold me, and understand that just asking is very hard for me.Other
Without meaning to, each of us often deals with disconnection in a way that scares the other person and pushes him or her farther away. The coping style I tend to use most often in moments of distress is *

Protest: I move toward you, protesting the disconnection and requesting (or demanding!) connection. (Sadly, this pursuit might come across to you as alarming anger and criticism, rather than an attempt to heal the relationship.)Distance: I move away from you, trying to avoid painful conflict and not feel my unmet need for connection. (Sadly, this withdrawal might be seen by you as an alarming lack of love, rather than an attempt to protect the relationship and both of us from further damage.)
When each person’s response to disconnection inadvertently alarms the other and increases the distance between us, a vicious circle ensues. Like a whirlpool, this circle pulls us both in and is very hard to escape! Overall, the cycle that feels the closest to what happens in our relationship is *

The more I protest, the more you distance – and the more you distance, the more I protest and pursue.The more I distance, the more you protest – and the more you protest and pursue, the more I distance.We both pursue. The more each person feels criticized, the more he or she defends by criticizing back.We both distance. The more distant and unapproachable each person appears, the more the other withdraws.
Congratulations on taking a first step toward changing the negative cycle in your relationship! If you would like to receive a summary of your cycle by email, please enter your name and email below.

If you would like to learn more about how to calm down your cycle, reconnect with each other, and recreate safety and closeness in your relationship, please email me or visit occounseling.net. I would be happy to talk with you about the options available to you, including self-help, couples workshops, and couples counseling.
Name*

First NameLast Name
E-mail*
Warmly,
Betsy Walli Sadur
(310) 504-1893

Online therapy in California and Florida

ICEEFT-Certified EFT Therapist and Supervisor-in-Training
Certified Discernment Counselor
Board Member, Orange County Community for EFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist #85860
PhD Linguistics, MS Counseling

betsy@occounseling.net
www.occounseling.net

Copyright 2017-2024. Adapted by Betsy Walli Sadur, LMFT, from Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight Workshop by Sam Jinich & Michelle Gannon, and When We Are Not Getting Along by Douglas Tilley.
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