GOAL-SETTING EXAMPLE

1. My general goal is:

To improve my ability to manage anger.

2. One specific step to move forward is:

To reduce my own engagement in conflict with the other parent.

3. To achieve your goal, what will you need to stop doing? This is whatever you are doing instead of achieving your goal (your motivation). 

The other parent always seems to say something insulting to me whenever we have to talk.  I usually argue with her which escalates to conflict and results in us fighting and calling each other names.  Of the two of us, I get more out of control with anger.  I can say horrible things and use profanity.  We solve nothing and because we fight instead of talk like adults, we always have to go to court.    I see that if we can’t stop fighting and learn to solve problems then we will keep going back to court until one of us gives up. By the same token, we both love our child so giving up means one of us is losing.  If that happens one of us will always hate each other which will be bad for our child. 

4. If you do not work on this goal, what will the external consequences be (impact on children / others, legal, financial): 

• Higher court and attorney fees
• Police will be called if I get too out of control and this will scare my child
• My child might start being afraid of me
• Child will have poor self-esteem and learn bad habits for solving conflict
• The other parent might stop talking to me all together

5. If you do not work on this goal, what will the internal consequences be (your thoughts, feelings, self-esteem, concept)?

• I will hate myself and feel guilty
• I will deep down always know I hurt my child
• If my kid has problems in their own life I will blame myself
• I will always harbor anger and bitterness inside my heart which might lead to health problems or depression.

6. Write out positive coping thoughts and self-talk.  Acknowledge your negative thought, and then counter with a positive thought:

•  “It is hard to listen to the criticism but I remind myself to not take with she says personally.”
• “Even though she should not disrespect me, two wrongs do not make anything right so I should not escalate.
• “It is not her business to instruct me but I can make can I statement and walk away.”

7.       Set out your plan of action (list 2 or 3 things you can do to move forward on your goal):

• I will practice making I statements.  “When you talk about my business, I feel insulted.  I would like this to stop.”
• I will set boundaries by sending a message on MY FAMILY WIZARD.  “Please do not address me directly with your criticisms at exchanges.  This is not healthy for either of us not to mention how it could affect our child.  If you have something you would like to discuss, please send me a message here instead.  Thank you.”
• I will take some time before each exchange to prepare myself to cope with any negative conversation that the other parent may choose to start because I know I cannot control the weather.