schedule

I'm not a member of any review board and will respect your clearly stated expectation of privacy. To that end I'm clicking here to agree I will not inquire, comment, speculate, shill, suggest others contact you or see you, compliment, insult, or in any other capacity whatsoever start or contribute to a review board discussion of any kind. In return for my common consideration, restraint and respect for your privacy and what this website has already stated in voluminous capacity I expect the information I provide on the form below will likewise be held in the strictest confidence.I plan to post about you on a review board in some capacity (as described above) and am clicking here to agree that doing so violates any mutual expectation of privacy. By clicking here I'm releasing everything I provide below to be used in any capacity you see fit.

Name*

First FULL Name, no initialsLast FULL Name, no initials

Appointment City Old

Appointment City*

Have we met?*

We've met beforeWe've never met

What year did we last meet?*

What will match the previous info I have from our last appointment?*

Your cell number belowYour personal email below

Cell phone*

THE NUMBER YOU'LL USE TO ARRIVE AT THE APPOINTMENT. DO *NOT* SWITCH UP NUMBERS.

Personal email (not your work address)*

This is where you'll get my initial reply. Check your spam folder as well. Please consider not putting your work email into this field as I don't want to be accused of indiscreetly emailing you in the future when I haven't been given a discreet personal email option.

9 AM to 10 PM

Email is checked the same hours I'm available each day. You can email before 9 AM, but I'll get it after 9. Please schedule morning appointments by the day before.

Appointment date*

24-72 hour notice = -50

Time*

:HourMinutesAM/PM Option

Appointment length*

60 min Mon-Fri same day scheduling (300)90 min Mon-Fri same day scheduling (375)60 min Mon-Fri with 24 hr+ notice (250)90 min Mon-Fri with 24 hr+ notice (325)60 min Sat/Sun (minimum 3 hr notice) (200)90 min Sat/Sun (minimum 3 hr notice) (275)Mailing list

Work email*

**IF YOU'VE SENT LEGIT INFO IN THIS FIELD** I'll contact you at your personal email first.

I can't screen you if you're retired. Please don't submit this form with some tiresome nonsense like JohnSmith@Imretired.com in the email field. Don't send a work email you used to have but can no longer access because you retired. Unfortunately I cannot in the United States take the risk of seeing you without verifying your employment. Feel free to write your representatives about changing the conditions I have to exist in instead of blaming me for taking necessary precautions due to those conditions.

BEFORE YOU SEND .EDU EMAIL READ THIS:

I don't take student email for screening.

If you’re filling in my work email field with a .edu address, you need to work for a school. The field clearly says work email.

I also need to be able to easily tell (primary school by default) or see on Google, employee directory etc (college level) that you work for a school.

I'll explain exactly how I'll contact your work address when we speak on your personal email and before I do so, and no, your boss won't suspect a thing.

How exactly would it benefit me to get my clients unemployed so they no longer have an income?

Do you imagine I need to be told "They monitor our email at work" like I just discovered this internet thingy yesterday and haven't been terminally online since the 1990s?

Did you think I planned to write to your work with an obvious sexy massage email address saying "Hey Bob, just getting back to you about that sexy massage you ordered"?

Have you ever heard of "plausible deniability"?

The screening email I send will be from an untraceable address, won't say the name of your city, won't say "massage" or "appointment" or even mention meeting at all, doesn't include any kind of phone number, and I don't want it to be replied to, because here's the thing: I'm already assuming all work email IS monitored, so to protect the privacy of both of us "plausible deniability" just means you need to SEE what I send. Then if your supervisor asks what it is (it'll be so vague and benign they won't) you can say it's spam. Spam that, like all spam, you don't reply to. Spam you're not responsible for. Who knows why this random untraceable email address is saying "Please get back to me" with no other information whatsoever? You have no idea.

Why it's almost like I've got a system that's already anticipated anything you could possibly tell me about the world of corporate email.

If you can't trust my system fine, but please don't waste my time explaining how you can't or won't screen the way I screen.

Cancellation policy*

If the appointment time you hold is cancelled same day a 1/2 cancellation fee applies (100% for appointments booked before 10 AM) regardless of the reason. Inquire as to where that can be sent at the time you cancel. Hairdressers, hotels, doctors, etc all typically have a full fee same day cancellation policy (the kind of businesses clients are fond of saying providers should emulate). The valid reason (or lie) you give will not be not due to any action of mine, so there's no reason I should be on the hook for something I had nothing to do with. My no deposit policy is a personal preference, not an indication the appointment time you hold isn't real. If you NCNS or don't honor the cancellation policy you won't be rebooked, and if that happens you agree here to release your info to be shared with other providers so they can avoid you as well. Don't schedule with me while also contacting a dozen other providers. Only schedule with me when you fully intend to show up (or honor my cancellation policy if you can't).

You need to READ the cancellation policy you're agreeing to IN FULL.

Recent (all within the past month) cancellation policy nonsense:

The guy who told me at 1:59 that he "had the flu" so couldn't make his 2:00 appointment. I followed up several days later and he was apparently still not recovered enough to send my same day cancellation fee. In fact by that time it seems the flu had paralyzed his fingers and infected his phone and email servers as well, as I never got another reply. RIP flu guy.

The guy who wrote morning of about airline delays (including pics of proof or something... my email settings block attachments because of computer viruses, so please do not send unexpected pics of anything to my email). He said "Sorry, can't make it". And that was it. Just it's off, finito. When I reminded him that in lo that very same email thread he could merely scroll to the bottom and see he'd agreed there would be no reason that would cancel out the expectation of a cancellation fee, thus rendering the elaborate documentation irrelevant, he said if I'd just been "nice" that he could have rescheduled. The initial cancellation note never once said "Can I reschedule". It said "Can't make it". It was only after I held him to what he'd agreed to on this scheduling form that the word "reschedule" made its first appearance. Before finally begrudgingly complying with my policy he sullenly added I could "make it up on other clients". He was my sole appointment for that day.

The guy who had a "family emergency" that made him too "sad" to show up, so I was a big meanie not accepting a story from a complete stranger which, by the way, I can't present to the front desk of my hotel in lieu of payment. He then went on to explain his chiropractor accepted his story and didn't charge a cancellation fee. His chiropractor, who pays a monthly commercial lease not a daily hotel bill, has weekly recurring appointments, enjoys the legal protections of things like charge backs and potential litigation in the event of problems, has investments and savings and almost certainly lives in a McMansion as opposed to being a single woman without savings (try doing the real math instead of the "all these women are living the high life" fantasy math) driving herself around the country to see one client per day in an unprotected shadow industry rife with abuse due to the workers being easy targets who society loathes. So totally the same thing.

If something awful happens to you I had nothing to do with it. I'm the person who's literally (and yes I mean literally literally, not figuratively literally) dug all the way down to my pocket lint for the money to pay for gas then the expensive hotel room for you and frequently only you to come to. I average one client per day (yes one, for all you bros who run amuck with fantasies of adult providers' lazy millionaire status). You expect me to have the empathy after throwing away 150-250 dollars that I didn't have (newsflash: hotel rooms aren't free) holding time for you yet still make my primary focus your (alleged) travails as women are expected to be endlessly suffering founts of compassion even to our own detriment. And yet a guy who's just experienced a terrible thing (if it's even true as most tummy hurts can't go to school excuses are complete BS) could easily, like walking while chewing gum, have the empathy with what I've held for them to say "I'm going through an awful thing but know you had nothing to do with causing it so you shouldn't have to suffer too, where can I send your fee".

If you cancel same day you need to skip the dog ate my homework story and say "Sorry I can't make it". If you want to elaborate great, but it doesn't exempt you from the thing you already clicked to agree doesn't come with an exemption clause. The second sentence after I can't make it needs to be "How do I send your cancellation fee". DON'T MAKE ME HAVE TO ASK. See how it already says above to not make me ask in the thing you click to agree to? Or are you just horny yeah yeah whatevering down the page clickety click click enough already just gimme them TITTAYS? "Sorry I can't make it. Where can I send your cancellation fee?" <-- anything else is manipulative garbage. Making me be the person who says "Ok but what about my cancellation fee" after a sob story sets you up to position me as a heartless villain and you know it. I'm absolutely human and compassionate, but hotels don't waive my nightly fees because your dog died. If your dog dies and you let me know and then in the same breath you say you want to make sure I'm taken care of anyway because you know what I've already put on the line for your time, I'm going to GENUINELY express compassion to you while you're hurting, because THAT guy obviously cares about my welfare as well as his own and isn't lying through his teeth. Kind people act like kind people. Knowing the overhead I've risked for you should color how you act, and I'll respond in kind. I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, and I see a guilt trip just like I see any other kind of ploy from a mile away. Btw a Southern accent doesn't mean I'm a doormat either. In fact if you've never pissed off a Southern woman I suggest you don't start today.

"But you were going to be in a hotel anyway" - no actually if I post but no one pre-schedules I'm not. I enjoy hiking, camping, mountains and woods. If I had a chance to go decompress in nature but skipped it to pay to check into a hotel because I thought you were showing up then you leave me holding the bag watching the paint dry with 150-250 fewer dollars in my pocket? A man would absolutely snap in that scenario. Yet I'm expected to smile and curtsy.

"Yes but what if you cancel on me? Other providers have cancelled on me. Maybe I should charge THEM, har de har har!" First, I'm not a flake. If I have to cancel something I actually do have a real reason. On a rare occasion I even make a mistake (on such occasions I also feel palpable guilt and will volunteer without prompting a to your benefit rain check type offer while profusely apologizing, because I understand how owning my own errors and making something materially right and not just saying empty words works). Second, I didn't realize you were driving 4+ hours each way then paying 150-250 for a room on top of gas with the expectation of me coming to see you and if I didn't show up you might not be able to pay your bills because of my actions. If I cancel on you you're disappointed. Disappointed does NOT equal the extraordinary expense and hardship a same day cancellation causes me. I WISH the only thing I got from a same day cancellation was disappointment. Le sigh!

I am not, for the record, complaining about having one client per day. There are a ton of reasons why, from the seizure of the main ad space in 2018 diluting the entire industry to me refusing to do services that would make my skin crawl to not risking being assaulted just to maybe see another person or two. I'm really happy seeing one client per day. "Hobbyists" do this thing where they want a woman who only sees a few people but then will pretend we all see 8 guys a day, and then if you say you only see one they circle back and mock you for having a poor business model. My appointment volume isn't a sore point for me at all. "These women are out here complaining they don't have enough clients, maybe they should compromise..." Except I'm not at all complaining. Saying "I average one client per day" is a statement of fact, not a complaint. What's a problem is people abusing my better nature and clearly stated and agreed upon policies. I'm fine with a razor thin margin. I'm not at all fine with a guy snatching that already razor thin margin away while he sits in his comfortable suburban home planning when he's going to play pickleball with his former frat bros.

If you're not a trash person your sensitive information will go with me to the grave. If you are a trash person your information will be added to blacklists, because the entire reason blacklists exist is so other women can know you're a trash person. I don't blacklist guys for petty reasons, despite all the hyperbolic "Omg guys we could simply look askance at one of these women and she'd put our info on the web, don't tell them who you really are, they're all soul sucking monsters". Pure projection from guys who freely blab out women's unlisted phone numbers and street names, describe exactly what moles we have and where, etc. Unlike "hobbyists" I would never mock a client's appearance just for starters. In fact I don't even THINK poorly of the appearance of any client, because unlike "hobbyists" I'm not a shallow asshole. What I've just described above is as far from petty as it gets. Do NOT agree to this and then try to play games with my time and extraordinary expense the day of your appointment.

But wait -- isn't this "blackmail"?

Years ago when people still used paper checks to pay for things stores would hang photocopies of bad checks that people had passed in full view of everyone who came into the store on a sign that said do not sell to this person. Were those stores "blackmailing" all their customers to actually pay for what they got or else risk making it onto the wall? Just because a bunch of "hobbyists" sit on yet another board swapping smooth brain takes about how defrauding or lying to a provider shouldn't mean other providers learn he does those things that doesn't make forewarned cause and effect "blackmail". I'm not trying to meet you at an empty lot on the edge of town wearing a trenchcoat and sunglasses every third Friday to get the next installment from your considerable middle manager paycheck to bankroll my penthouse lifestyle OR ELSE. In fact I don't want any struggle or hassle or negative vibes at all. I don't even beg "send cash so I can get a mani/pedi" on social media all day as is the industry standard these days, because I literally just want to show up so I can do my job, do it well, tell a few jokes, hum along with my beautiful singing voice to some jazz, make you feel great, give you a warm genuine hug, then get back to my life without an emotional hangover. So don't insinuate after manually agreeing to my cancellation policy that I'm running some "scam" where I don't want to work but just collect cancellation fees either. I always prefer the APPOINTMENT to the consolation prize. Unlike full service providers who grimace and fake moan through a revolving door of men they abhor ramming in and out of them, I actually LIKE my hands on people.

"Hobbyists" whine on boards about having to pay deposits, but this is precisely the reason so many providers charge deposits. Stop creating the reality you hate.

I understand if at any point including after screening I express anything at all in the form of a question or statement about “money” or form of “payment” (including code words and slang and indirect references of all kinds) the conversation will abruptly end and any appointment scheduled will be cancelled, with no possibility of rescheduling in the future. I’ve read the site in full and am fully informed and understand only the location and time of the appointment remains to be discussed.

What does the paragraph above say to never discuss?*

I will ONLY discuss where and when.

Schedule